Ministry at its best, Relationship at its worst.
There’s something I wanted to write out here for awhile, but they’ve all been deleted because I wasn’t quiet sure of how I wanted to write this out. But I think I’m ready to share. see, I’ve been at an interesting point in my life recently where I’ve been pulled out of all of my comforts and of what I’ve only known.
I’ve been in KCCC for the past 5 years of my college life and it has been amazing. God has shown me a lot and helped me grow in many ways. However, He recently revealed to me something that, I even have to admit, has been apparent to me but I failed to act upon. I have been ever so obnoxious of the fact that my ministry and work that I was doing in ministry was succeeding and was growing and going somewhere. So prideful in the fact that I was indeed climbing some sort of social ladder within the ministry. I loved it. The attention I got here was something I never got anywhere else. Yes of course, there was so much God taught me along the way and founded a relationship with God and even taught me how to have one but never exercised it correctly. God was so real and alive to me after my first year during missions, but after my family became a real problem and a pain to me, the only thing I wanted to do was numb the fact that it was there. So I went to the thing that brought me joy… Ministry. I knew how to run it, I knew how to work it, I knew how to live it. Oh what a humungerous idol I was creating in my heart.
I started noticing symptoms of God’s voice being so distant but refusing to believe it and filling peoples words and fortune cookie bible reading as an excuse. My godly life was a fake, a phony. I knew the right words to say, I knew the right prayers, I knew the right answers. But I was failing and God was letting me go deeper and deeper into this idolatry. DPD for years and years, then Chongdan and JRB. Then I was gonna go into DPD fully again. But this time, God said no… it was time for me to learn.
See, many of my friends who are alumni and were heavily involved in the ministry always told me of the accountability loss that happens after graduating… But I never understood because I wasnt them. But as I had to be completely pulled out during the beginning of the year, my world was SHATTERED. Everything I knew, everything I was, was gone. my little KCCC world popped.
Now listen brothers and sisters who may be reading this… I am not discouraging you, please let me finish.
God revealed to me the nastiness of my heart and the filll and gunk I created to fill it from being empty. My perfect relationship with God was never a real relationship at all. I mastered ministry in a few years, while my relationship was still a seed ready to grow.
I have no one or nothing to blame but myself. I knew I was giving up things that I shouldn’t of done. I just wanted to, because I was irresponsibly and irrationally acting with my decisions in ministry. I was listening to people and standards and laws rather than God. He wasn’t happy.
Oh man, the mistakes I made and the consequences for those mistakes were horrid. The cleansing and the healing and the receiving of true grace was a hard one to grasp. Now, instead of listening to standards of ministry I try to listen to Gods standards. I’m not saying that this is an automatic cause and effect thing that happened automatically and that I’m completely exercising it now. It’s damn hard in fact. I’m forced to pay attention to things I never wanted to touch, I’m forced to mend the broken ties with my family, I’m forced to attentively focus on my broken relations with God.
And what hurts me more, is that knowing this pain and looking at MANY OTHERS FOLLOWING THE SAME DIRECTION… kills me. Dear Brothers and Sisters. Don’t follow this pattern of ministry. Before you know it, You will find yourself burnt out, doing too many things, and doing things that are just plain unnecessary. Then you might ask yourself… But what about my soonjangship? What about my role in the ministry? WHAT IS YOUR DAMN PURPOSE IN THE MINISTRY? are people really being saved? are you REALLY seeing your prayers answered? and are you an example for everyone around you? What about your family? What about your grades?
I dont mean to sound like a harsh dictator. And if I turn you off, I’m sorry. I’m not looking for acceptance nor great remarks. I just dont want ANYONE to experience the pain that I felt and feel now. I hope at least one person can take this into consideration. Definitely, God is happy with your serving. But he looks at your motives, your heart. And if you are finding yourself trying to justify yourself with excuses, and that this doesn’t /will not apply to you… pray now. God is not pleased if your ministry is great and your life, your family, your student life is trashed.
Check yourselves.
before you create the most perfect solution to destruction.
